Now Playing: IQ tests are needed

This is a great weekend for BBQ's because there isn't a damn thing worth watching in the theaters.


T4 looks like it has been darkened so that you don't have to witness the suck it is putting on the screen and no amount of Pizza Hut promotions or Fandango bogo ticket deals will get me to the theater for that eye bleeding mess. Plus I have a strict no McG policy.

What else is opening this weekend?

Family friendly and humor averse "Night at the Museum" made a shit load of money because people apparently have fond memories of a time when Ben Stiller and Robin Williams were funny. Because of that stupid nostalgia choice we are all being punished with a sequel, actually I won't be because I am passing on this much like I did the first.

Then we get the obvious hit of the week, "Dance Flick". I am not even kidding, this is going to be a hit and I will tell you two reasons why, teenagers are still allowed to go into theaters and because when I saw the trailer before "Pineapple Express" I heard people audibly laughing when the baby shot out of the woman on the dance floor while I stared at fiance in disbelief over what I was seeing.

So there you have it 3 shitty movies for what will probably be a record breaking weekend and another reason why, as my title states, IQ tests should be required before you go to the movies.


Proving that as my title states, IQ tests should be required

Stone Faced Comedies: Paul Blart

Hilarous!

I had the pleasure of enjoying this year's finest comedy, "Paul Blart" and I must say that it was a laugh a minute roller coaster with just enough action and romance to keep you focused on the story at hand. Kevin James' ability to fall and make it outrageously knee slapping is truly a skill that we have not seen mastered since the late great Chris Farley and the way he handles the Segway he rides through out the movie to use it as an extension of his comedy amazes almost as much as it tickles your funny bone.


Kevin James plays a lovably naive mall cop who want's to become a NJ state trooper but because he is hypoglycemic (the root of some very hilarious moments) he is unable to quite make it onto the force. He is also a lonely kind of guy who lives with his mom and his daughter because his illegal immigrant wife played him for a fool and left him. All of that is about to change though, thanks to the hot new girl working the wig kiosk and a hijack of his mall that of course can only be stopped wit some mad cap hi jinks!



Seriously, this is THE comedy to see so far this year and it is new to video so what are you doing here.., run to Blockbuster now so you can enjoy it too!

The Godzilla Effect: Souvenir Glasses

Really this should be called the Star Wars effect when you think about it. Without Star Wars branding everything under the sun and flooding the market with the likenesses of Luke, Leia, Han, Darth and all the rest we wouldn't have a movie summer movie season quite like we do now and we wouldn't have advertising blitzes where razorblades are branded. Which brings us to this weeks moment of advertising, Star Trek glasses at Burger King.

I loved the souvenir glass as a kid and I know for a fact that I am not the only one and yet sometime in the 90's it all switched and instead we got cheap plastic cups . Fittingly enough this was also for shitty movies, Batman Returns, Godzilla, Battlefield Earth and I think Even Superman Returns. Look at those shitty cups? why would you purchase (actually the cups were free if you bought a heifer sized meal at Mickey D's) an easily broken cup like this when for so long you can get a quality beverage holder. That is why I believe Star Trek has done things right or probably BK by knowing that there is a quality product coming to theaters they gave the fans the quality they deserve in their souvenir drink wear.

I am highly recommending both this weekend, BK for the glasses and Whoppers and Star Trek for the entertainment and popcorn.

Sadly at this time I don't have an image for these fine collectibles but I will soon and then you will be able to behold the greatness.

Polished Turd of the Week: X-Men Origins: Wolverine

If this is how the Summer starts, I can't wait for the fall!

X-Men Origins: Wolverine movie reeked of a money grab even before I watched it so I wasn't surprised with how the whole thing came out. It was just a poorly acted and boring mess of a movie. How boring was it? I'll put it this way, when you are watching an action film and all you can think about is how bad the acting is, it probably isn't a very exciting movie.

On top of that the haphazard character usage and development just left me scratching my head. Why is Cyclops in this movie? Can they make the scenes with Gambit any more forced? I don't even know who the last bad guy is because he resembles nothing of what the comic character is. As a fan it was painful thinking of what I could have been watching instead of this....anything.

Of course all of this means nothing since every fan boy had a hard on for this movie when it was announced so it is going to easily trounce the other crap out this week Girlfriend Carol. So congrats to everyone involved on this shit fest, at least it is better than Roger Corman's Fantastic Four of course that was never meant to be released and neither should have this.

Polished Turd of the Week: Obsessed

Big Name + New Movie + No Screening for Reviewers = terrible film. It is an equation as old as time and one that the general public never considers truth. This movie is a blatant rip off of the terrible 1993 film, “The Temp” which itself was a bad movie but with Beyonce starring in it. I don’t even know why someone would want to recreate such a crappy movie and yet this will easily be the number one movie this weekend simply because everything else out there sucks and Beyonce is in it.


On a side note I can not wait to see "Obsessed" on HBO in 6 months it will end up being this year’s "Disturbia" as the worst constant rotation movie that I can not get enough of. Not because I will enjoy the movie for the acting or the plot but explicitly for the cat fight between Beyonce and Ali Larter. That alone will not get me to the theater and it shouldn't get you there either.

The Godzilla Effect: X-Men Origins: Wolverine

It may be brilliant marketing but when a movie reaches to this level to market a movie you can smell the desperation to recover as much money as possible from what is likely a very bad movie. I may actually buy the razor just to thank Schick for the early warning.